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I wrote this particular document on May 16th, 2002. Right now, I'm finally typing it, and it is September 14th, 2002. That's 4 months later.
I was recently asked by someone*: What did I really want. Nothing more complex, no what do I want out of life, or what do I have my eye on to buy, just plain what is it that I really want.
There was one thing that popped into my head immeaditly. As soon as it did I thought, 'Psh, whatever, think some more'. And I did think. I came up with things like a nicer car, a sweet computer, a nice huge apartment or even house, even superhuman powers, something that I think everyone would agree would be totally awesome.
Then I thought back to my orginal thought, that idea which raced along past all others, supercharged it seems with air intakes and nos. It was a very simple idea, it seemed at first. A real relationship with a female. That's it, not a rewarding relationship or even a special one, just a real one. This thought seemed simple enough to me at first, but now I realize that my sub-conscience had a bigger role to play in the selection of the word "real".
What does the word "real" mean; what does it imply? Merrian Webster claims that real means "relating to fixed or immovable things (as land)", or "genuine", or even "not imaginary". Well of course I would like a relationship with a female to be "not imaginary" and certainly "genuine", however, I'm not entirely sure I want it fixed to land, though it would be nice to have one that is "immovable". Still, I don't think Webster's definition quite suffices in this particular situation.
Someone* else, upon examining what I had written thus far, commented that perhaps I meant the word realistic, instead of real. Whereas I appericate his comment on my uncompleted work, if I had meant the word realistic, most likely that is what I would have written. Of course, one must remember that this whole thought was carefully calculated by my sub-conscience, a strange device that understands the complex nature of the human mind, if only we could tap the raw power of our sub-conscience, then prehaps we could finally be at peace with one another and live in happiness, or, which is more likely, we would finally completely and utterly destroy ourselves. But I digress, while I think the point of using the word realistic doesn't have merit, I'll go ahead and examine what it means. A very respectable source told me that realistic means "Tending to or expressing an awareness of things as they really are", or "Of or relating to the representation of objects, actions of social conditions as they really are". Ok, I think someone should re-word this, but I do like the first defination. However, this is not the word I meant to use, because I recognize already what is a tangiable and possible relationship, what I'm looking for is one that is real.
So, we come full circle to what does "real" mean, at least in the way that I used it. A real relationship, not just limited to with the oposite sex, but a real relationship's key is communication and "genuine" love. And yes, this can apply to a male-to-male relationship of friendship. You can love your friend, and it doesn't mean you're gay because it's a different love from what you have towards your girlfriend or boyfriend or spouse as the case may be. See, one of the bigger problems with the English language is our inability to express love. The Greeks have multiple words for love, each with a different level of expression. So, what I mean by a real relationship with a female is that there is a mutual feeling of love flowing back and forth, a love that is so strong that one person would be willing to die so that the other could live. In Greek this word is agape. This might seem scary to some, but it's the concept that's important, that two people truly and really care for one another. Another key in this real relationship with a female is an "open line" of communication. For me this goes hand-in-hand with loving someone deeply and truly. It's very important to be able to talk with another, however verbal communication is not the only type of communication.
There are so many ways to communicate it's hard to enumarate all of them, and, since this is going into the third page handwritten, I'll only name a few. Some simple examples are hugs, kisses and even holding hands. This communicates so many things in of itself, like 'I enjoy your company' and 'I love you'. This brings me to another point, one that I'm hesitant to talk about because, well, there's several things I'm hesitant to talk about due to my shy nature in certain fields, that of sex.
Sex is definatly, and perhaps one fo the greates ways, to communicate and express your love for another. For me, I think sex is a way to "unify" yourself with another, that during sex you become in a sense one with the one whom you love. Robin Williams said it well in his role in Bicentennial Man:
Rupert Burns: What do they say?
Andrew Martin: That you can lose yourself. Everything. All boundaries. All time. That two bodies can become so mixed up, that you don't know who's who or what's what. And just when the sweet confusion is so intense you think you're gonna die... you kind of do. Leaving you alone in your separate body, but the one you love is still there. That's a miracle. You can go to heaven and come back alive. You can go back anytime you want with the one you love.
Rupert Burns: And you want to experience that?
Andrew Martin: Oh, yes, please.
Rupert Burns: So do I.
Sex, I feel, is something that should be saved for marriage. It's a way of forging a marriage even more strongly, and making it that much more pure, that much more raw. Now, I feel a need to make a distinction between sex and, oh I'll say, "fulfillment of lusts". Sex, like I just said, is a unification between two people who love each other. "Fulfillment of lust", however is, to put it bluntly, when you are just horny so you have a sexual encounter. You still might love each other, but it's not quite the same as sex, your just fulfilling a desire. Now for me, I'm planning on not having sex, or "fulfillment of lust" until I'm married. I do recognize that plans do change, but I would like to think that I'd be strong enough to wait until after marriage.
Alright, so what do I really want? A real relationship with a female, one where I give love and recieve it back, one in which we enjoy each others' company, just that simple, but maybe it's not.
* Someone, in this situation, happens to be myself. Yes, that's right, I've been talking to myself. For those of you who find it strange that I'd be talking to myself about myself and that which I am writing, obviously don't know me.
Also, for those of you who have never had a conversation with yourselves, or ever an argument, I don't think you can be considered human.
Oh, and someone* wanted me to mention you should always listen to the voices in your head, it's quite healthy.
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